We all know that narcissists are a nightmare - but was that really meant literally?
When I first left my narcissistic home (yes, I know, congratulations to me), I thought YAY! That's it. Game over. No more narcissistic mom.
How naive I was.
At the risk of making myself sound like a loser, I went from share house to share house, making enemies (and finding them) and skating close to homelessness and unemployment.
I was pretty unstable.
It took me a looooong, loooong time to even recognise what was going on. I had moved interstate, but I had taken my narcissistic mother with me.....inside my head.
For some of us the legacy is ever present and for others like my client Cathy it's a daily (and nightly) fight to the death for autonomy, self-respect and emotional stability.
Cathy had been seeing me for a little while. She was one of those generous daughters who decide to soothe their mother's later years by offering up their home.
Make way for the narcissist in residence.
Far from being grateful for the security and safety of a building on the edge of her large country property, her mother (Gina) made Cathy's life hell. Although the building had separate living quarters for Gina, it also housed Cathy and her husband’s office and a spare room for Cathy’s guests.
Gina became obsessed with controlling the space. She kept inviting guests without bothering to tell Cathy, and getting angry when Cathy tried to manage access to her property. Her mother was not used to ceding control and Gina’s sense of entitlement got in the way of establishing clear agreements. Yes, she was elderly. But she was also extremely difficult and unwilling to acknowledge Cathy’s right to boundaries.
Cathy had spent most of her childhood seeking a safe attachment figure, fleeing her father's volatile moods. He was a violent and unpredictable man and alcohol often fuelled his aggressive and frightening moods.
So she bonded tightly with her mum, even providing a sounding board and emotional support to Gina when needed. Cathy's good nature was exploited by Gina and she ended up doing much of the parenting of her siblings on her mother's behalf. She had never really acknowledged that part of her childhood had been stolen through this intense parentification.
Cathy was too busy trying to avoid her father's anger to notice her mother's narcissism.
She came into adulthood hating her father and believing fervently in her mother's sainthood. After all Gina had tried to “save” them from his nightly predations….or had she?
If everything was hunky dory, why was Cathy having such intense nightmares starring her needy and manipulative mum?
Gina was invading her dreams - and not in a good way.
As her therapy unfolded, Cathy slowly came to terms with the bitter legacy of her childhood. Her mum was an intensely narcissistic woman and there was a lot of trauma hidden behind Cathy's brilliant and successful exterior.
At first it was hard for her to communicate with her mum without being led back into the trauma she had suppressed for 20 years. As we worked on communication and boundaries, Cathy took the first faltering steps in her recovery journey.
As Cathy started setting boundaries and limits, the nightmares slowly dissipated. Although, of course, her trauma hadn’t disappeared, she was, at last, taking back control of her own life.
Cathy needed to acknowledge her mother’s shortcomings and the pain they had caused her. As she started to heal, Cathy’s sister Alice arrived to wrest control of Gina, taking the opportunity to exact revenge for the sibling rivalry which had been turbo charged by their stressed and emotionally unstable mum. Cathy now had to cope with her mother's controlling and manipulative behaviour AND her sister's intense need to be the favoured daughter - as well as the nightmares that were making bedtime hell.
Boundaries had never been a strong point in this narcissistic family and no-one had emerged from childhood unscathed. But everyone seemed to avoid mentioning the intense emotions boiling just under the surface.
Alice started making arrangements that affected Cathy, without her knowledge. She invited family members and friends to stay without consultation and refused to let Cathy know what was happening. Alice peppered all her texts with pseudo-empathetic therapy-speak, whilst continuing to undermine her sister. Gina, meanwhile, refused to even admit there was a problem. Christmas, was looming like a runaway freight train and relatives were due to arrive, although Cathy hadn’t been consulted.
The situation was fast becoming untenable.
Eventually Cathy came to the devastating realisation that there would be no peace while her mother remained on the property.
She was forced to arrange alternative accommodation - something that no-one really wanted, least of all Gina. But Cathy stood her ground, looking for a solution that was at best, disappointing, but was, in the end, the only way for her to move forward and save her sanity - and her marriage.
For Cathy and others like her, acknowledging the reality of your narcissistic mother’s limitations is a vital step on the journey. Although your mother may not cause you literal nightmares, narcissistic moms leave a lasting and painful legacy. Coming to terms with the way you were mothered and allowing yourself to grieve for what you never had is vital. Facing reality is an act of self-compassion, because it’s the first step in acknowledging and validating our own wounds.
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MORE ABOUT NARCISSISM AND NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS FROM THE RECOVERY ROOM
Growing up with a narcissistic mother creates challenges for us well into adulthood. Understanding the legacy and finding the right therapist can help us in our recovery journey.