Reclaim Your Authentic Self

Recovery for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Has your relationship with your mother always been fraught?

Do you often feel like you are thinking through a fog when you interact with her?

Does your mother deny, invalidate, belittle and contradict you?

Do you feel like you don’t deserve love?

Do you often feel guilt or shame even though you have done nothing wrong?

Are you a perfectionist?

Do you have trouble saying no?

Do you have trouble trusting others?

Do you feel like you never get what you want or need from relationships?

You’ve probably spent a lot of time trying to work out what’s wrong and why you feel this way.

You’ve no doubt felt confused and frustrated. You probably blame yourself. There are dark places in your psyche where you just don’t want to go. And you often just feel alienated and sad. You might be overwhelmed by competing demands and your own inability to practice good self-care.

Narcissistic mothers create daughters who are people pleasers.

These emotionally neglected and abused children often forget who they are in the struggle to maintain relationships. They may choose partners/friends who are demanding and self-focused, perhaps even narcissistic. Daughters of narcissists grow up in an environment where their authentic self is blocked, dismissed and invalidated.

Encouraged to meet their mother’s needs, they are often blamed or rejected for trying to meet their own needs, or for asking for help.

Narcissistic parenting creates huge problems for the growing child.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers often become enmeshed with their parent, losing contact with their true self and growing up without boundaries and without the ability to recognise or nurture healthy relationships.

Underneath all these other issues, lies a fundamental problem with their sense of self.

As an adult you may feel like something is wrong but have no idea what it is.

You may have problems with relationships and boundaries. You might also have issues with agency, having been encouraged into enmeshment and helplessness as a child.

You might be an underachiever, never having reached your true potential. Through self-sabotage or bad decision making, you fail, even at pursuits where you know you have the talent and commitment to succeed.

Or maybe you are a high flyer, working until you drop, but always feeling like an imposter, undeserving of the rewards and achievements that you have worked so hard to secure. For those who do well in their professional life, there is always a cost. At home, their relationships can feel cloying, distant or exploitative, even while they climb the career ladder.

For daughters of narcissistic mothers, the journey to healing begins with the first step.

This difficult first step is to recognise there’s a problem and decide you want to do something about it.

As your eyes open, you will start to reflect on your relationship with your mother, seeing her manipulation, white lies, blame-shifting, gaslighting, anger and unpredictability for what they really are.

Part of a pervasive pattern of narcissism.

It can take a while to reach this point.

I know.

I’ve been there.

My mother was perfect in my eyes (and the eyes of my siblings) for much of my adult life. I had to be perfect to please her, so I thought the problem was me. Sure, I had problems. But she was the root cause of most of them. Of course, that didn’t (and doesn’t) absolve me from working on myself to untangle the issues that are her legacy.

We can waste a lot of time being angry and spreading blame, but in the end it is up to us to make our lives what we want them to be. Whether we choose to stay in contact with our narcissistic parent or not.

Hi, my name’s Amanda and I’m a clinical social worker, psychotherapist and the daughter of a narcissistic mother. With the help of psychotherapy, self-compassion and reflection I have healed my own wounds. That’s why I know I can help you too.

Melbourne-Psychotherapist-Amanda-Robins-healing-for-daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers — It can be a long journey. But finding and nurturing your authentic self is the only way to truly heal. Take the first steps with me.

Amanda Robins, psychotherapist.

Although I have been trained in social work, trauma therapy and counselling, I feel like my most significant qualification is surviving a narcissistic family.

I can understand your pain and struggles on a deeper level and I know what it takes to heal.

HEALING THE MOTHER WOUNDS OF WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN RAISED BY NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS.

Narcissistic mothers often traumatise and emotionally abuse their children, often without meaning to. Daughters are left with ongoing feelings of low self-esteem, shame and hopelessness. Women raised by narcissistic mothers often blame themselves, because they feel like they are “not good enough” and are somehow wrong or unloveable.

Survivors of narcissistic mothers usually feel like something’s “not quite right.”

Daughters often have ongoing and unconscious feelings of shame and worthlessness. Sometimes when we have a history of childhood trauma from narcissistic parents we won’t be aware of these feelings, but they are nevertheless there, running in the background and making us feel bad.

Being raised by a narcissistic mother is not the same as having a narcissistic boss, boyfriend, neighbour or colleague. It is much more impactful and insidious.

A narcissistic mother damages your sense of self.

When I started therapy, I didn’t know who I was. Although I had been successful in my career as an artist, it all came crashing down when my high flying role at a university ended. I was left feeling like I had no anchor. I felt worthless and lost.

I started therapy to work out what was going on and I made the life-changing decision to study social work.

As my therapy unfolded, I realised that I had been working hard and achieving to try to ward off the terrible feelings of worthlessness I had lived with most of my life. As I healed I realised I had a passion for helping others. I wanted to work with other women who had been wounded by a narcissistic mother.

How to get the life you want when you have been raised by a narcissistic mother.

The first problem is that you might not even know what you want. When your sense of self has been damaged by narcissistic parenting, you will have lost contact with your true feelings and desires. Many people have been wounded in childhood, but that is not the same as the deep, pervasive wounding caused by narcissistic mothers.

There is hope.

The good news is that I know I can help you. I have helped many women just like you. They are struggling to manage their relationships, including the difficult and damaging relationship they have with their mother. They also struggle with boundaries and self-care. Deep down they are filled with shame and self-loathing. I know I was.

Therapy with me is not just about surfaces. It is not like relationship coaching or skills training.

I will take you deeper into your wounded self, to truly heal and live the life YOU want to live. I want you to develop the self-awareness and compassion needed to truly connect with your authentic self and to nurture your inner child.

When you work with me, we will explore your healing pathway through art and visual imagery. I will help you get in touch with the healthy life-enhancing creativity you may have repressed in your struggle to be accepted. That doesn’t mean that you need to have a background in art or a talent for drawing. Just that sometimes, your right brain is smarter than you think.

HOW YOUR NARCISSISTIC MOTHER WOUNDED YOU

I know that just like me, you feel things deeply. As a child you reacted strongly to the shaming and emotional abuse you suffered. Your narcissistic mother probably used shaming as a parenting strategy and maybe she projected her unwanted shame onto you. This is incredibly toxic for a young child because they just are not developmentally ready to deal with these distressing emotions. Narcissistic mothers will generally not work to repair or soothe the hurt they have caused. Mothers who are narcissistic will often shame and blame their children to rid themselves of the bad feelings they experience.

If you are like me, understanding and recognising your shame is part of the healing process.

Psychotherapy with me is different. It is not like the CBT or skills based work that you might have tried before. I will help you reach deep inside yourself to heal the painful wounds caused by narcissistic parenting. I will help you develop the self-awareness and compassion that will allow you to resolve the pain and shame you feel everyday.

I can help you get your life back and connect with your true self.

Counselling for daughters of narcissistic mothers can help you by encouraging you to develop self-awareness around your emotions. Working with me, you’ll learn how to understand and manage your feelings. Even though you may have lost touch with how you really feel, I will encourage you to experience your authentic self safely, and stay in contact with the feelings which you repressed to survive your abusive childhood.

I WILL HELP YOU FEEL SAFE.

In order to heal the deep wounds of trauma from narcissistic parenting, I will need to help you access the pain and distress which are buried inside you. I will allow you to sit with the strong feelings of trauma and learn to experience them without being overwhelmed.

You will become stronger and more resilient as you learn to understand and develop compassion for your wounds.

WHY PAYING ATTENTION TO THE BODY IS IMPORTANT FOR DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS

Human beings are not minds trapped in bodily “containers”. We are designed to be whole and connected, with our bodies and minds intrinsically joined . Even the language we use to describe our bodies and feelings is inherently skewed.

Our wellbeing depends on so many factors.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers will often have complex trauma. CPTSD impacts your body and remains “stuck” inside you in ways that are hard to define and impossible to verbalise. Sometimes in therapy, the verbal content of a session isn’t the most important information. When you work with me, I will look at your body language, posture, tone of voice and the feelings that you have as you are talking. These are vitally important. They will often tell me more about what is going on than your words.

For people with complex trauma from narcissistic mothering, the body will hold much of their pain and distress.

Mothers who are narcissistic inevitably traumatise their children, sometimes without meaning to. Trauma that occurred early on when you didn't have words for your experiences won’t be able to be talked about directly. For the healing journey to progress, it must be sensed by a somatically (or body) oriented trauma therapist who will help you reconnect with your body to understand and resolve these initially unknowable feelings. The very early trauma you experienced that has been left in your body is often re-experienced when triggered as intense, wordless pain – a pain that you live with everyday without knowing.

Therapy with me will help you learn to recognise specific body-based trauma sensations. Getting in touch with this body knowledge is a major step for daughters of narcissistic mothers as it will allow you to understand what is going on for the first time.

Once you have learnt to recognise and name the feelings and bodily (or somatic) sensations of trauma you will be able to practice more self-compassion. If a situation is triggering for you, you will learn to give yourself the freedom to leave, avoid, or in some cases, engage. With your newly honed skills in communication and self-care, you will be able to have more authentic and intimate conversations with those you care about.

Instead of automatically responding based on fear or unconscious trauma reactions, you will have choices.

As we work together, I will encourage you to develop distress tolerance and self-soothing skills. This will help you make your trauma more manageable on the way to the longer-term goals of healing and post-traumatic growth.

Therapy with me is not just about resolving pain.

Counselling will allow you to finally access your intrinsic healing powers and begin the rewarding process of post-traumatic growth.

I will help you discover a new, more connected and more joyful self.

Without it you will stay stuck in the painful emotions and automatic responses triggered unconsciously by the trauma of being raised by narcissists. With targeted and individualised therapy you can heal your mother wounds and become the self you were always meant to be.

What could be more important than that?

WHAT CAN I EXPECT FROM SUCCESSFUL COUNSELLING?

As you resolve your trauma through psychotherapy, you will come to enjoy life more.

Your life will feel richer, more joyful – and more connected. Through practice and exploration, you will develop better boundaries which will allow you to be closer to those you love. Therapy will help you learn new skills to cope with life’s challenges. Your relationships will be more rewarding and you will find you get on better with others at home and at work.

But more than this, I will help you develop a deeper and more compassionate relationship with yourself, where the pain and shame that you have experienced in the past will no longer dominate.

As you develop this new and rewarding conscious awareness and self-compassion, you will be ready to create a life that is truly worth living.

You May Still Have Some Questions About Counselling for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

WHAT IF THERAPY TRIGGERS ME OR I FEEL OVERWHELMED?

Women who have been raised by narcissists often have CPTSD. They will normally be dealing with ongoing trauma symptoms. In this situation, safety is an important consideration. Rest assured that I will support you and ensure that you feel safe before we start to explore some of the more difficult material that must be resolved in order for deeper healing to take place. The therapy will be paced at a tempo that is individually targeted and right for you. In general I find that it’s best to schedule weekly sessions at the same time. The structure of the therapy, including its boundaries and the predictability and frequency of sessions can help contain you. This is part of what heals.

WILL I NEED TO FORGIVE MY MOTHER?

Therapy is NOT about forgiveness. It will be up to you whether you have the emotional space to forgive. Although for some people, forgiveness is part of moving on, everyone’s healing journey is unique. Therapy can uncover traumatic memories and experiences that you would rather had not happened, but it’s NOT about blaming others. You may find that some of your relationships are contributing to your feelings of distress, so we can explore these issues. Counselling will help you understand and resolve your trauma, but alongside your growing self-compassion you may start to understand the reasons for other’s behaviour as well.

SHOULD I GO NO CONTACT?

The decision to remain in contact with your narcissistic mother is not one to take lightly. There are many factors to consider, including the rest of your family, your children and siblings. Discussing this issue and weighing up the pros and cons will be part of your therapy with me. It is worth considering that you may never get the validation or acknowledgement you seek from your mother - or your siblings.

IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS WILL TAKE A WHILE: HOW WILL I KNOW THAT IT IS WORKING?

Counselling for daughters of narcissistic mothers involves developing a trusting, warm and safe therapeutic relationship with your therapist. I will make sure that you can feel safe in exploring your feelings with me. Because daughters raised by narcissistic mothers have experienced trauma in their attachment relationships, trust will be important. The empathetic, caring, non-judgmental and non-shaming relationship that we develop together is what will help heal you. This can take a while to develop and there may be ups and downs during this time, where you might feel stressed or upset. That’s normal for any therapy.

The therapy will need to be trauma informed because your wounds have been caused by trauma. A trauma-focused therapist will help you learn to trust again. You will also learn to manage your emotions, self-soothe and eventually develop a stronger, more stable sense of self.

It’s normal to expect some results in the first six months with weekly sessions, however for severe narcissistic wounding it may take up to two years to really progress. Getting beyond defences and into the trauma can take many months, because it requires building trust. Daughters of narcissistic mothers often have problems with trust because they have been betrayed and exploited by those closest to them.

Women who have been raised by narcissistic mothers will usually have fundamental problems with their sense of self. It can take a while to reconnect with your true self, so it is wise to be patient with yourself and with the therapy.

As the therapy unfolds you’ll start to notice that you will become calmer, more confident, less easily triggered and able to enjoy life much more.

WHAT IF I FIND OUT I AM NARCISSISTIC?

Children of narcissists can sometimes develop narcissistic traits. That is the reality. But we all have narcissistic tendencies – every one of us. We get past them because we want to relate to others and have a realistic approach to relationships. We have faith in ourselves and come from a solid base of empathy and belief in things beyond ourselves. That is what it means to truly connect.

Narcissism is by definition a need to be self-focused. The trauma you experienced through narcissistic parenting in childhood may have resulted in some narcissistic traits. But that trauma is not your fault. That doesn’t mean that you are absolved from the consequences of your behaviour for others or that you can’t change. Therapy can help you improve your relationships with the people around you and with yourself. If you are willing to seek therapy, then that is the first step towards healing – whether or not you actually have narcissistic traits.

I’VE HEARD THAT THERAPY IS EXPENSIVE – HOW WILL I AFFORD ALL THIS – ESPECIALLY IF IT TAKES A LONG TIME?

As a social worker, I try to keep my prices as low as possible. However due to rising costs associated with running a busy practice, I am unable to bulk bill at this time. I offer Medicare rebate-able sessions to eligible clients. I am also a registered NDIS provider, so if you are a participant, you can have trauma therapy included in your plan.

If money is providing an obstacle to beginning (or continuing) therapy, we can discuss how to make it more affordable for you.

Psychotherapy is an investment in you and your future. What could be more important than that?