Well, this is a biggie.
When I was studying social work, many moons ago, I helped one of the presenters in a group session talking about self-esteem. The presenter handily mapped out a continuum of self-esteem levels where narcissists were sitting pretty at the high end of the spectrum.
But is that actually true?
Research on narcissism is a somewhat fraught area, mainly because narcissists don’t always present their vulnerable side, and - shock horror - don’t always tell the truth, including when undertaking psychological tests (well, that probably doesn’t differentiate them from the rest of the population, but I digress).
I remember questioning the presenter and getting an equivocal answer about complexities and the limits of explaining research in a forum where subtlety was not required or welcome (in other words she didn’t want to bamboozle her audience - or bore them). To be fair, it wasn’t exactly the most research-friendly environment and the majority of psycho-ed groups were about entertaining the punters rather than challenging them.
Anywayz, having congratulated myself on correcting the teacher and feeling rather smug, I couldn’t help thinking…most people do actually seem to think that narcissists have good self-esteem. After all, don’t all narcs think highly of themselves?
But as usual, there’s a lot more to this picture.
Narcissism in general is caused by trauma. The early traumatic attachments endured by children who are raised by narcissists can cause them to forget who they are, or more accurately never fully discover themselves. Underneath all their bluster, narcissists are fragile, because their personality structure is based on a house of cards.
The narcissist’s identity has been compromised in early childhood by the constant shaming, criticism, control and conditionality they experienced in their attachments. Although their parents may seem to praise or value them, the “love” given to these children is always based on whether they are meeting their parents needs in some way. For example through achievements (getting good grades, having good looks or developing a special talent), by doing exactly what the parents want them to do or by providing a service (being the parent’s confidante or babysitting younger siblings). They soon learn that they are only valued as long as they are compliant or useful.
Not all children of narcissists become narcissists themselves, but it is a risk factor for developing a personality disorder. If the trauma experienced is bad enough, the child will develop defences to manage it.
As they grow up in this difficult environment, children of narcissists will have difficulty building a strong sense of self. In extreme cases, they may come to rely solely on external input to manage their self-image. This obviously makes them extremely vulnerable. They will need a constant flow of approval, agreement, attention, love and praise to feel OK about themselves. (In other words, narcissistic supply)
When things are going well, the narcissist is relatively stable. Everything’s hunky dory.
But life’s inevitable ups and downs can knock them for six, sending them tumbling into a trough of self-doubt or worse, feelings of annihilation or lack of self. This in turn can lead to panic and engender desperate attempts to seek reassurance or validation, perhaps coercively or in a manipulative way. They often can’t help themselves, but they will deny their own vulnerability AND their need for others, often disparaging, blustering, gaslighting and becoming angry when they don’t receive what is considered their due (sense of entitlement).
Narcissists are much more vulnerable to loss than those with a stable identity. Whether in career, relationship, money or health, they can’t bounce back because their underlying sense of self is deeply compromised.
So while a narcissist may seem confident and secure, they are dependant on the outside world to tell them (or keep telling them) that they are OK.
And that is not high self-esteem, no matter what it might look like from the outside.
