As someone who works almost exclusively with adult children of narcissistic mothers, I get asked a lot of questions. After all, most daughters just don’t understand what went wrong and how it happened. They often blame themselves and work extra hard to get their parent’s love. But trying to please your narcissistic mother is like hitting your head against a brick wall - painful and unproductive. She may never love you in the way you need or want. Recognising and grieving for this loss is an important part of the healing journey.
Here are some of the most common questions from sons and daughters.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissism is an ongoing (pervasive) pattern of behaviours (traits) which can include: an excessive sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. It can manifest in various ways, including grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, and a preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, or beauty. Narcissism exists on a spectrum; while some level of self-focus is normal and healthy, extreme narcissism could lead to diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
How do I know if my mother is a narcissist?
Narcissistic mothers will generally be self-focussed. They care more about image and appearance than what’s going on underneath. That means that they will have little investment in your emotional wellbeing unless it impacts how the family looks from the outside. If you are (in your narcissistic mother’s eyes) bringing shame or damaging the family’s reputation you will be forced into conformity. Often at the expense of your emotional wellbeing.
A narcissistic mother will usually be unable to hear any criticism or complaints. She only has room for a very narrow spectrum of your emotions. Children in this situation slowly learn to subdue anything outside of their mother’s approved range, leading to lack of self-awareness and emotion regulation problems.
Narcissistic mothers will lack empathy and generally like to change the topic of conversation to something that interests them. They are not good listeners and don’t appreciate feedback or complaints.
Narcissistic mothers often need to control their children. They don’t believe in boundaries, they don’t respect privacy and they will often manipulate you into doing what they want. This often comes at the expense of your need for autonomy, leading to lack of self-direction and potential self-sabotage as adults.
How does a narcissistic mother affect her children? Does it affect attachment?
Narcissism in parents has a deep impact on children. Because they lack empathy, narcissistic mothers are unable to sensitively attune to their children. They often don’t read signs or cues from their infant, or ignore them. Sometimes they respond in ways that are harmful. For example, infants will usually signal that they are tired, have had ‘enough” or find a particular interaction scary or intrusive.
A normal or healthy mother will respond sensitively and generally back off to allow the child to “regroup” and rest. Narcissistic mothers will often continue to seek a response from the infant to satisfy themselves, sometimes interpreting the child’s signals (or lack of signal) as hostility. Because they have substantial unintegrated trauma, a narcissistic mother won’t be consistently available to her child and will at times expect the child to meet some of her (emotional) needs.
This, of course, is just one example of how a narcissistic mother can affect her child. Some narcissistic mothers are more neglectful or hostile. Some can affect their children by failing to protect them from harm. Some will get involved with unsafe men, bringing dangerous people into the home or allowing illicit drugs as well as using them. Many will use shaming or physical abuse to “discipline” their children.
Not all narcissists are the same. Some will provide well for the family, putting food on the table and making sure that everyone is fed and clothed. But my overall experience is that narcissistic mothers will inevitably neglect or undermine a child’s emotional wellbeing, failing to support their autonomy and punishing their daughters for practicing independence.
More about the impact of being raised by a narcissistic mother
Should I confront my narcissistic mother?
Generally I don’t recommend confronting your mother. It’s unlikely she will be willing to hear your complaints. She’s much more likely to blame you for victimising her. Whilst it can be internally validating to confront her, its rare for a narcissistic mother to acknowledge the pain she has caused you.
Is there a cure for narcissism?
I really believe that therapy can provide some of the answers to narcissism. But its hard work. It is a big commitment for both the client AND the therapist.
Most narcissists will leave therapy early, blaming the therapist for incompetence or not having enough letters after their name. To really heal, a narcissist must confront their own trauma. And that is painful. It also takes a long time to unravel the layers of defence, blame and bluster.
The therapist must withstand the narcissist’s devaluation whilst also avoiding being seduced. Confronting them too early risks them leaving therapy permanently, but never confronting them allows them to avoid the hard work of real change.
Can you recover from a narcissistic mother?
Absolutely. No one can erase the trauma you endured. But you can learn to live more comfortably with your own history, no matter how difficult or abusive. In order to heal you will need to seek a therapist to help you process and integrate your trauma. The right therapist will help you understand and gain perspective on what you experienced and learn to validate and have compassion for your traumatised child self.
Read More About Recovery from the Pain of Being Raised by a Narcissistic Mother.
Will my mother’s narcissism affect my relationships?
Probably. Unfortunately there is no magic bullet when it comes to adult children of narcissists. Many of you are still in shock from the realisation that your mother is/was a narcissist. A big part of the recovery process involves assessing your life and your relationships in a conscious and considered way. That doesn’t mean you have to be alone. But making more conscious choices will help you avoid the trap of one-sided relationships.
If you believe that you are in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic, it can be challenging to leave. Especially if you share children, financial arrangements, housing etc. There is hope. Support is essential. So is a good network. You may need to rely on trusted friends. Don’t try to do it alone.
Read More About Narcissism & Romance
Will I turn into my mother?
Not necessarily. Whilst this is often the biggest fear for many clients, I don’t believe its inevitable. Not by a long shot. You may have learnt some unhelpful behaviours through parental modelling. You were also likely traumatised by your mother’s narcissism. But change is possible. If you do think you have some narcissistic traits, then working on them with a good therapist is the best step forward.
Should I have children?
This is another question many of my clients ask. Having therapy to help process your trauma and manage your emotions can help prepare you for parenthood. But, honestly, you really only need to answer one question: Will I have empathy for my child?
First time parents who have been raised by narcissistic mothers will sometimes be thrown unwittingly into their own trauma during the early parenting phase. Traumatic memories can be triggered, preventing mothers from being emotionally available to their infant. That is why its best to do some preliminary work on processing your early trauma to circumvent this problem and allow you to enjoy being a parent.
Do I need to forgive my narcissistic mother?
No. I don’t believe in forgiveness as a compulsory pathway to healing. Its more about understanding, self-awareness and self-compassion. You need to focus on yourself, at least temporarily. During your healing, its best to take time out for your own journey. As part of the process you may end up developing a different, more relaxed relationship with your mother, but its not inevitable and its certainly not essential to your journey.
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MORE ABOUT NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS FROM THE RECOVERY ROOM
Growing up with a narcissistic mother creates challenges for us well into adulthood. Understanding the legacy and finding the right therapist can help us in our recovery journey.