It doesn’t make any sense right?
Unfortunately there are any number of reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. A relationship with a narcissist can come at the cost of your sense of self, but it can also be hard to leave.
Many of the reasons have to do with the victim’s circumstances, including lack of resources (for example financial resources) having young children, lack of access to employment or housing, language barriers, lack of social support or family/cultural or social pressure.
But in narcissistic relationships, the narcissist’s “qualities”, behaviours or traits add to the barriers which can prevent someone from leaving. Sometimes its hard to recognise that we are being abused, especially as narcissists tend to start the relationship by lovebombing, promising the world and treating us like princesses (or kings).
They can go from buying us candlelit dinners and roses, to screaming at us when we’ve committed the tiniest of transgressions. This can become a pattern where the narcissist is abusive, becoming apologetic or lovebombing when they fear they are at risk of losing us. Abuse can be both complex and unpredictable often depending on the abuser’s mood or state of mind rather than any fault or action of the victim.
Abuse is not necessarily cyclical, nor is it your fault.
Its confusing, frightening and for many victims, destabilising.
No wonder we have trouble working out what’s going on.
Here is a brief guide to what might be happening to magnetise you in place.
1. Emotional Manipulation:
Narcissists often resort to manipulating emotions to get what they want, making it difficult for partners to recognise unhealthy dynamics or stay grounded in their own sense of what is happening (or what has happened). For example, if you feel the need to record conversations or show your partner texts because they deny having said something that you remember them saying, that can be a red flag.
Unfortunately, some victim/survivors blame themselves for the difficulties in their relationship. This can often happen if the person has a history of abuse or was raised by narcissistic parents. They are used to taking much of the responsibility in relationships and might not even know how healthy relationships work.
2. History of abuse:
Some people may have a history of trauma, making them more vulnerable to staying in toxic or abusive relationships. They may believe that this is “all they deserve” or that they will never find another relationship. They may also fear that they will continue to get involved in narcissistic relationships and that the pain they are experiencing is common to all partnerships or worse, that it is all their fault.
Some people, on the other hand, are attracted to narcissists because they are seeking some sort of reflected glory or prefer to be able to hide in relationships. They are (unconsciously) willing to sacrifice their sense of self to gain the narcissist’s approval, but unfortunately narcissistic love is always conditional and continued subjugation is required.
3. Fear of Consequences:
When a narcissist understands that you might leave, they will often use every power they have to keep you in their thrall. Narcissists generally don’t appreciate losing control. You may experience threats and intimidation, but there may also be the underlying fear of retaliation. Some narcissistic relationships can slowly give way to coercive control where the non-narcissistic partner is isolated and forced into a position of disempowerment. In extreme cases victims can fear for their children and/or their own lives.
4. Love-Bombing:
At the beginning of relationships, narcissists often engage in intense love-bombing, showering their partners with affection and attention, making it hard to let go. As the abuse builds up slowly, the victim is often confused about the nature of the relationship, giving the narcissist “the benefit of the doubt”.
“They were really nice to me before, maybe I’ve done something wrong.”
As the narcissist becomes more and more angry, demanding and abusive, you try to appease them, but the demands grow exponentially. It’s generally difficult to reconcile the early rose-coloured narcissist with the abusive tyrant who is suddenly making regular appearances.
What went wrong?
Of course, most non-narcissists are unfamiliar with the chasm between what the narcissist shows initially and what they have trouble hiding as the relationship unfolds. So you blame yourself and stay, hoping against all the evidence, for improvement and recognition.
5. Sunk Cost Fallacy:
People may stay due to the belief that they've invested too much time and effort into the relationship to give up now. We’re used to putting in the hard yards to make relationships work. But for those involved with a narcissist, the amount of emotional work to maintain any kind of equilibrium is intense. The self-sacrifice is ongoing. You will be doing all the work and they will be demanding more supply. It can be difficult, perhaps even humiliating to admit defeat or that you’ve been hoodwinked and exploited, but there is no shame in leaving an abuser. For many people, it can take more than one attempt to leave. There is no shame in that either. It can be scary, exhausting and overwhelming, but your well-being is what matters.
6. Isolation:
Narcissists often isolate their partners from friends and family, leaving them with a limited support system so that the victim is more dependent on the narcissist. If they were interested in a healthy relationship, they would not need to control your networks. They are often threatened by the idea that you have access to people who are on your side and they definitely don’t like anyone who might provide a countering, or a more objective view.
7. Gaslighting:
As we know, narcissists gaslight their partners, distorting reality and making them doubt their perceptions, further entrenching them in the relationship. Narcissists are generally good at winning arguments, often negating your point of view entirely, making you feel stupid, uninformed or just plainly wrong.
They rewrite the past to make themselves the victim, often turning the tables to recreate themselves as martyrs with an endless font of patience and love - they’re just misunderstood, right? When you become angry at their manipulation, they will take that as further evidence of your sins. Expecting them to act on feedback, no matter how reasonable is unrealistic.
Narcissists create an environment where their worldview is the only one that’s valid. Heaven help anyone who demurs. Communicating your desire to leave can bring down all the force of their narcissistic rage.
For those who have had narcissistic parents, the merest hint of anger can keep them frozen in place, victims of their own trauma response. As children freeze/submit can be a useful survival strategy, but as adults we have more choices, even though it can be intensely scary to defy an abuser. For some, of course, it can be difficult to even recognise what is going on in the relationship, as well as what’s happening inside ourselves.
I definitely recommend seeing a therapist to help support you through this period and to help you process some of your trauma.
Getting back your sense of self and breaking free from a narcissistic relationship can be challenging.
Most narcissists tend to want to enmesh, disliking the idea that you are separate and might want your own life. They will fight tooth and nail to avoid losing control, but in some cases, may give up once they see that you won’t back down. Its important to know the difference between a narcissist who is likely to relinquish and one who will take more extreme measures to keep you in the relationship.
Of course, its always a good idea to tread carefully, keeping yourself and your children safe, perhaps getting the support of a family lawyer familiar with domestic abuse. It’s also important to seek support from friends, family and a good trauma therapist.
MY NEW COURSE FOR DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS IS HERE.
FOR MORE.
Growing up with a narcissistic mother creates challenges for us well into adulthood. Understanding the legacy and finding the right therapist can help us in our recovery journey.