I was shocked.
My client was attractive, successful, in a good marriage with three beautiful children, but she hated herself.
She felt she couldn’t do anything right. She harangued herself with a barrage of self-criticism and judgement that would deaden the most sanguine optimist. Everywhere she went, a continuous commentary accompanied her saying she was no good, and she would never amount to anything.
It was exhausting. And demoralising.
Every time she tried something new, made a mistake or even just tried to live a normal life…the voice would be there telling her the same depressing story.
As we delved further, we discovered that her fierce inner critic had her father’s voice. A controlling, aggressive narcissist who ruled the family with an iron fist, he was unempathetic and unrelenting in his criticism. And for his gifted daughter, the one with whom he identified the most, he held the most scorn.
She had always been his bright star. The one who could potentially redeem the family….and him. But she couldn’t escape his judgement when she failed to live up to his unrelenting standards. The price for being a “favourite” was eternal vigilance and searing criticism. As she started to defy him, she experienced the heights of his narcissistic rage . It was impossible for her to live her own life and still relate to her father.
So she left.
Moving interstate, she gave him a false address, hoping his rage didn’t follow her.
But he was still there.
As Lisa separated herself from her dysfunctional family and her father’s scornful eye, she slowly came to the realisation that there was no escape. She was carrying his judgement with her. Everywhere she went, he was there, in her head, criticising and undermining.
She took up running to try to escape the voice. Sprinting was the only thing that turned the volume down. But she couldn’t run all day. And the voice was always there.
As we worked together I encouraged her to challenge the voice. To develop self-compassion for the wounded child inside her. It wasn’t everything, not after a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, but it was something. As she became more self-aware, Lisa slowly learnt to self-soothe, to distract herself and to replace some of the endless judgement with kindness.
As the therapy started having an effect, she became more available to others, more present and less exhausted. Her relationship to herself shifted. As she separated more from her father, she became more comfortable with her own vulnerability and her inevitable flaws.
For Lisa and other children of narcissists, self-compassion can be crucial because it helps counteract the damaging effects of an upbringing where they were subjected to harsh judgement and constant criticism. Narcissistic parents prioritise their own needs and disregard or ignore the emotional well-being of their children.
Some narcissistic parents are openly hostile, others are exacting and intolerant, still other ignore their children to pursue their own interests. Lisa’s father was attentive, but only interested in what she could do for him. He needed her to reflect perfection and help counteract his own unconscious feelings of inadequacy. When she failed to come up with the goods, his narcissistic rage took over. Children raised in these kinds of environments may internalise feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and self-blame.
By cultivating self-compassion, children of narcissists can develop kindness, tolerance and understanding towards themselves: something they never received from their limited and punitive parents. Self-compassion for children of narcissists involves acknowledging your own pain, validating your emotions, and treating yourself with care and acceptance. Self-compassion can help you break free from the cycle of self-criticism, fostering resilience, and promoting healthy self-esteem. It will allow you to heal, grow, and establish healthier relationships in the future.
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Read More About Narcissism and Narcissistic Mothers Here.
Growing up with a narcissistic mother creates challenges for us well into adulthood. Understanding the legacy and finding the right therapist can help us in our recovery journey.