Is your mother a narcissist?
look out for these signs
She’s controlling.
She wants to insert herself in all aspects of your life and does not respect your boundaries or your rights to privacy. Trying to assert yourself results in anger, rejection and hostility. She doesn’t appreciate your attempts to individuate as it means you’re going to be less available to serve her needs. Does she get angry when you disagree or don’t want to do what she wants you to do? Does she try to make you feel guilty for having separate interests, hobbies, desires and opinions?
She can’t or wont validate your feelings.
There is very little room in her emotional consciousness for your feelings. If she does something that upsets you, she won’t be prepared to acknowledge her mistake or soothe your upset. She will be too focused on trying to manage the shame elicited by your implied criticism. She may sometimes be there if you need support, but most often she will turn it around so that it becomes about her.
For example:
“That reminds me of the time…”
“You think you have problems, I remember when…”
"I can’t listen to you when you’re like this, it upsets me…”
“I do/have done everything for you, why can’t you appreciate it, you ungrateful…”
Her love is conditional.
Her ability to be loving towards you depends on how she’s feeling and what she wants. She might become anxious or enraged if you find things difficult or make a mistake. At other times, she might be cloying or “lovebomb” you. A mother who is narcissistic is interested in how you (and your achievements) reflect on her. She wants you to succeed, but only so that she looks good. She may even become jealous if she feels you are doing too well. Daughters of narcissistic mothers will often be perfectionistic in a misguided attempt to win their mother’s love.
She belittles you.
A narcissistic mother will be full of praise in one moment, hypercritical and judgemental the next. She can make your head spin! A narcissistic mother knows where it hurts. She will often use sarcasm or belittling language to humiliate you, perhaps in front of others. She may fob off your concern with excuses such as “can’t you take a joke?”
She tries to manipulate you.
The manipulation can be quite subtle, causing you to question your doubts and fears. She may call you “selfish” because you don’t want to be her maid or chauffeur 24/7 Being afraid to say no to her because you fear her disapproval or anger is definitely not a good sign. If you start setting boundaries, claim your independence, or go no contact, she will sometimes send other family members to win you back. Be prepared for lengthy texts telling you how cruel you are and how much she is suffering.
She thinks she is above the rules.
Narcissists prefer not to have to follow the rules that apply to us lesser mortals. The sense of entitlement that accompanies narcissism can manifest in expectations of special treatment. She expects you to meet her needs now and into the future. When you can’t or wont, she gets angry. She can embarrass you in the takeaway line at your favourite coffee shop. If she is not allowed to jump the coffee queue or secure her favourite table at a popular restaurant, she becomes disproportionately angry.
She is unpredictable.
Narcissists often wax and wane in terms of their attention and availability. She may shower you with affection and attention (love-bombing) when she wants something from you and ignore you when she is going OK. Her ability to care about you is dependant on her own needs rather than any genuine commitment to you as a seperate and autonomous being.
It’s all about how things look.
A narcissistic mothers focus is on status and appearance. She usually doesn’t care about what’s going on inside you (or anyone else). Because they are largely dependant on social cues to manage their self-image, narcissists will be focussed on how things appear, and most importantly, how they appear to those whose opinion matters to them.
Narcissistic mothers will generally like to appear socially successful, keeping a nice-looking home, wearing expensive clothes and hobnobbing with the rich and famous. Your mother might spend a lot of time trying to impress the neighbours, her employers and others whom she considers worth her time. She expects you to keep up the illusion of perfection and family solidarity, no matter what the reality is. Children growing up with this dichotomy will become confused. They may have trouble trusting anyone, because they have been raised in environment of hypocrisy and secrecy.
She cannot see your point of view.
Narcissistic mothers are unwilling to understand or even acknowledge your point of view. She may ignore, belittle or undermine you, often using manipulation or guilt-tripping to get her way. Gaslighting is part of the strategy for making you doubt yourself. Unlike healthy individuals, narcissistic mothers wont meet you halfway, they wont even be prepared to discuss the issues, especially if it involves reflecting on their own behaviour.
She is emotionally volatile
Narcissists are often emotionally unstable, swinging between cold rage and collapsed fragility depending on environmental cues. They can be bullying, angry or desperately needy depending on their mood. Mothers with these characteristics have very low self-esteem underneath their bluster and will become teary or desperate if they meet ongoing resistance. They often see themselves as victims and are generally unaware of the effect their behaviour has on others. Self-reflection is not their strong point.
When you have grown up in a narcissistic environment it can be hard to have any perspective. Often children of narcissists will adapt to the parenting they receive, losing contact with their authentic self. They are so used to being exploited and dominated they don’t know how healthy relationships work.
If you have come to the conclusion that your mother is a narcissist, then the best option is to talk it through with someone you trust. She probably won’t change unless she sees it as being in her interest. Confronting her may be cathartic, but it generally won’t change anything and it may make things worse.
The fundamental problems which cause narcissism are not something that can be fixed through self-reflection, although that would be a good start. People suffering from narcissism tend not to seek therapy, unless they fear that they will lose something important to them or reach a crisis point.
Staying in contact with a narcissistic parent is a choice. If you decide that you want to stay in contact with your mother, you will need to accept that you may never receive the acknowledgement you long for in your relationship with her. You will need to validate your own feelings and accept the grieving process that accompanies a realisation of her profound limitations.
For daughters of narcissistic mothers it can be a long road to recovery.
Because they have grown up under the tyrannical rule of a woman with severe character flaws, they will often have a depleted sense of self. It can take a lot of work in therapy to gain the self-awareness and compassion that will help heal your neglected inner child.
But there is hope.
Therapy can help you start the journey to a more joyful life.
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Growing up with a narcissistic mother creates challenges for us well into adulthood. Understanding the legacy and finding the right therapist can help us in our recovery journey.