Carol didn’t look like a victim.
A smart professional woman with three children, she wasn’t someone who would stand out as being vulnerable. And yet she was.
When I first met her, she was reeling from the messy, overwhelming and distressing fallout of a lengthy battle with her ex, David. At times, I wondered how she had stayed so long. But I’ve learned through this work that abuse is complex and that leaving isn’t always an option. Victim survivors come from all strata of society, all backgrounds and all circumstances and there often aren’t any easy answers - for any of us.
As I got to know Carol, I recognised the tell-tale signs of someone who has been narcissistically abused so intensively that she had become largely unavailable to herself. Unable to make good decisions, scared to assert her right to safety and wellbeing and terrified to disagree.
Carol was stuck in a trauma pattern of fight/flight, her ability to think clearly undermined by constant gaslighting and threats. Her partner had even started sowing the seeds of disbelief in the small community they shared. Admired by all as garrulous and affable, David’s dark side remained hidden - at least to most casual observers.
But as we looked deeper red flags started accumulating. For example, there were the dodgy business dealings where he put others at financial and sometimes physical risk. David’s dishonesty hadn’t stopped him from earning a good living. He was often operating on the very thin ice at the edge of the law.
Far from being sorry for the pain and difficulties he caused, David was only regretful at being caught. After physically threatening and attacking Carol, he had been forced to enrol in a men’s behaviour change program. But participating in this group didn’t change his behaviour. It just gave him a new vocabulary and created a veneer of enlightenment. Underneath, nothing had changed.
As I learnt more about her ex partner’s behaviour, I started to worry about Carol’s safety. This wasn’t a man who would just let things go. He wasn’t someone who could forgive and forget. He was controlling, angry and possibly dangerous. He also appeared to lack empathy - both for the people whose lives he had endangered through failure to follow the rules, but also for Carol and her children.
As she described his lack of boundaries and increasingly intrusive behaviour, my hackles rose. This man wasn’t an ordinary narcissist. He seemed to have something called malignant narcissism, his lack of empathy and remorse even tipping him over the edge into potential sociopathy or anti-social personality disorder.
As far as I knew he hadn’t murdered anyone or tortured small animals, but David had some disturbing ‘dark triad” characteristics.
“The "dark triad" is the name for a mix of malevolent personality traits: Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy. People with dark triad traits are manipulative, entitled, and lacking in empathy. These people may gain your trust and then exploit it for personal gain.
Delroy Paulhus and Kevin Williams coined the "dark triad" in 2002. The researchers noted the triad includes three malevolent personality traits: Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy.
People with all three traits often disregard others and lack compassion and empathy. They generally rate high in their willingness to exploit others to get ahead and experience little remorse when they cause harm. They can also be deceitful and aggressive.
The dark triad describes three different but interrelated negative personality types. These include:
Machiavellianism: This means being highly manipulative, willing to deceive others to get what you want, and having a cynical view of the world.
Narcissism: This is defined as feeling superior and entitled. A sense of inadequacy typically lies beneath this grandiosity.
Psychopathy: Key traits include lacking empathy and being emotionally cold while also being impulsive and prone to taking big risks.
from Understanding the Dark Triad by Stephanie Booth
David didn’t seem interested in the fact that he had caused pain or put others in danger. He had very limited empathy and had not exhibited any remorse for his actions. He also had a history of exploiting others for personal gain. He was a coercive controller whose behaviour had the potential to escalate into violence. Unlike others who have exhibited abusive behaviour towards their partners, David’s actions often seemed “cold” and strategised. This wasn’t a response to stress, but a “pervasive pattern” of behaviour over time, indicating a personality disorder.
David had many friends in the small community he and Carol shared. Charismatic and charming, he easily seduced others into his web. But his relationships were inevitably shallow. And those who had seen his dark side were often shocked at just how unethical he actually was.
“These people can be charismatic and charming. [People with dark triad traits are] masters at flattery and making a person feel like they're special and fortunate to be in the presence of a person of elevated taste, intelligence, and compassion," Paul Hokemeyer
[People with these traits] cannot sustain this perception forever. They'll eventually exploit those close to them and burn out relationships.” (From Stephanie Booth)
As part of his involvement with the Men’s Behaviour Change Group, David learnt about what lies behind abuse. He became more knowledgable about trauma and relationship dynamics. But his behaviour didn’t change. He used the language of the training to deflect responsibility. Despite his participation, he still had no empathy for Carol or her situation and avoided taking any responsibility for his actions. He even became frustrated with Carol for not wanting to “play her part” in healing their relationship. The whole thing seemed to be an insincere ploy designed to maintain a surface compliance.
I continued to worry about Carol’s safety. Her trauma-based responses (flight/fight/freeze/submit) sometimes kept her from thinking clearly or taking action on her own behalf. Feelings of shame stopped her from talking about what was happening. She needed global validation to feel safe and that wasn’t always available even amongst those on her side. This trauma based need was holding her back from getting the help and support she needed in her community.
Eventually Carol found a good lawyer. She got on the ground support from a domestic violence service. She gathered her network and was frank about her situation with those who mattered. She organised her finances and secured her accommodation. She escaped from a dangerous situation. But many others don’t, and for some women a relationship with a dark triad personality can prove fatal.
How To Recognize the Dark Triad
Characteristics
People with dark triad traits often attempt to hide their true nature to gain your trust and then exploit it. In addition to the primary three traits, people with dark triad traits may have these characteristics:
A chronic need to be fulfilled: These people often express disappointment, are never satisfied, and continually search for fulfillment.
A history of being a "victim": People with narcissistic tendencies will quickly turn the tables when they are challenged. They often commit acts of gaslighting or rage when they fear abandonment or their self-esteem is threatened.
An inability to sustain long-term relationships: This does not only mean romantic partners but friends, family, and work colleagues. They may have had several unsuccessful relationships in which they exploited others and burned bridges.
Inconsistencies in their stories: People with dark triad traits may manipulate facts for their benefit, but they'll be unable to sustain their facade. You might find that facts and background details of their lives are inconsistent and do not add up.
How To Relate to People With Dark Triad Traits
Hokemeyer recommended against having a relationship with someone with dark triad traits. It can be dangerous to have a business association, friendship, or romantic relationship with a person with a dark triad personality. These people may exploit you, regardless of how much you try to get them to change. People with dark triad traits may be able to change. The likelihood of that happening, however, is low.
"The personality traits that make up a dark triad are deeply ingrained in their psyche and highly resistant to any sort of challenge that would manifest a change. The best strategy is to move away from them as quickly as possible," said Hokemeyer.
A Quick Review
The dark triad includes malevolent personality traits: Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy. People with dark triad traits are often manipulative and lack empathy. They may conceal their true nature to earn your trust and then exploit it for their personal gain.
It's important to distance yourself from people with these traits to avoid emotional, financial, and physical exploitation.
from Understanding the Dark Triad by Stephanie Booth
