So you’ve finally made the move to separate from your narcissistic partner.
Congratulations!
You’ve made the best decision for your own well-being. BUT if you have children, you’ve still got to manage the narcissistic relationship through the maze of co-parenting.
Co-parenting with a narcissist is extremely challenging, emotionally, physically and potentially, financially.
Success here is likely to be relative. Maintaining contact with someone who is actively undermining your parenting is one of the most difficult emotional journeys you can undertake. It may not be possible to get everything right, but its important to do the best you can for your children.
Here are some tips to help navigate the difficulties and retain your sanity whilst also protecting your children:
1. Set Boundaries: Establish clear and firm boundaries with the narcissistic co-parent to protect yourself and your children from emotional manipulation.
2. Communicate in Writing: Whenever possible, communicate important matters in writing so that you always have a documented record of discussions and agreements. Communicating in writing can also provide a relative sense of safety when phone calls and meetings become heated or manipulative.
3. Focus on the Children: Your children's well-being is more important than any grudge or dispute. It can be hard to prioritise their needs when you are stuck in fight/flight, or afraid for your safety. Unfortunately, people who are intensely narcissistic will normally not be able to put their children’s needs first. They can even use the children to bolster their sense of themselves as parents, emotionally manipulating and triangulating the gain the upper hand.
4. Avoid Engaging in Power Struggles: Narcissists may try to engage in power struggles or try to provoke reactions. Stay calm and refrain from being drawn into unnecessary conflicts. When they lose control, narcissists can become disproportionately angry, often trying to wrest their power back through game playing or tactical manouvres which have little to do with your children’s wellbeing.
5. Seek Support: Its really important to have people on your side. Make sure you connect with friends, family, or support groups who can understand your situation and provide emotional support. You need people on the ground and nearby. Narcissists may try to marginalise or isolate you, so having a friends or family around is absolutely vital. Friends can also give you perspective when the narcissist is gaslighting.
6. Get Some Mediation: Consider using a mediator or counsellor to facilitate communication and resolve disputes in a neutral and structured setting. This can help you feel safer and empower you to find your voice.
7. Seek Legal Advice: Understand your legal rights and obligations regarding custody arrangements and visitation rights. Getting legal advice early can prevent problems later on. Its expensive, but worth it for the peace of mind.
8. Self-Care: Take care of your physical and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that reduce stress and promote a sense of balance. Remember, you may be stressed much of the time. For many of my clients, the time spent in negotiation with their narcissistic ex-partner is largely time spent in flight/fight, bringing on PTSD symptoms and elevating the nervous system. Managing stress and limiting stimulation is important, not just for you, but also for your children.
9. Stay Consistent: Be consistent and reliable as a co-parent, providing stability for your children despite the challenges. If your ex-partner is narcissistic, its likely that they will be relatively volatile and unpredictable. It may be up to you to provide a sense of safety both for your children and for yourself.
Narcissists can often use children emotionally - sometimes to prop themselves up in times of stress. At other times they may lovebomb them to keep them close. You, as the relatively stable parent will need to provide a safe haven for your children away from the unpredictability (and/or abuse) of the narcissist.
Co-parenting with a narcissist may never be ideal, but your focus should be on creating a safe and nurturing environment for your children. If the situation becomes emotionally or physically abusive, seek professional help and consider legal options to protect yourself and your children.
When to do when you've tried everything
Unfortunately, narcissists resent having to relinquish control. They may sabotage arrangements, blame you for any miscommunication or hiccups and actively undermine established agreements.
Even if you have a parenting arrangement in writing, it may do little to change the behaviour of your ex. Narcissists often deny there is an issue, and in turn refuse to address any concerns raised, especially if raised by you as their ex-partner.
In these circumstances, it can be helpful to engage in your own support in dealing and responding to such behaviour and if your ex is agreeable, the following may also be of assistance in navigating and attempting to improve that relationship:
Engaging in family Counselling or therapy, to develop and maintain healthy and functional family relationships even post-separation,
Engaging with a parenting coordinator, which is a child-focussed process for conflicted separated parents and is essentially a dispute resolution technique to help parents organise their ongoing parenting arrangements.
In circumstances where the above doesn’t work, a parallel parenting style may be appropriate when you are dealing with a narcissistic ex. Parallel parenting is an arrangement where separated parents are able to co-parent by means of disengaging from each other and having limited direct contact.
from Reach Out
How does conflict affect your child?
When a child is exposed to a lot of conflict or fighting, it’s likely to cause them distress. They might:
become quiet and withdrawn
be overwhelmed and anxious
feel stressed if they think they have to choose ‘sides’
start acting out at school or at home, such as becoming more defiant or aggressive
think that conflict is a normal part of a relationship, which could affect how they relate to other people later on in life.
What can you do if none of this works?
If you’ve tried these strategies and your ex-partner isn’t responding positively you could try using a mediator. A mediator is an impartial party that will help moderate your interactions with your ex-partner. You can use a private mediator or go through a family relationship centre.
If your ex-partner refuses to communicate, you can get advice from a solicitor, Legal Aid NSW or a community legal centre.
If your ex-partner is becoming aggressive or violent and you or your child are in distress, contact an emergency support hotline.
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