It sounds like a no-brainer, but the reality is a lot more complex.
Jul 23 · 4 min read
So you thought your sister had all the luck. She was the doted on darling who could do no wrong. The centre of attention, looked after, adored and admired.
The resentment is still there. Bubbling away under a pristine surface and draining the facade of those fake happy family get togethers.
“I got pummelled for staying out late, while she was forgiven for everything….How come she got away with that?”
But take it from me, golden children are ultimately the tarnished ones.
Being a golden child is like being the narcissistic parent’s mini me. They aren’t allowed to be themselves, nor are they allowed to be imperfect, because that would reflect badly on the parent. Whilst they seem to have it easy, the reality is that they are always on stage being scrutinised, usually suffering from a permanent and crippling case of performance anxiety. To be in the narcissist’s spotlight is to be constantly judged, having one’s inevitable flaws held up to the cruel and critical gaze of the narcissist.
From the outside, it can seem pretty good. Better than the alternative. After all, being scapegoated is no fun. But scapegoats eventually escape the crucible, often with their identity intact. They usually have enough of a sense of self (and of reality) to relate to others and to seek their own path. Although the injuries to the self are still there, a scapegoat, by definition, is less favoured and ultimately less impinged upon by the narcissistic parent. Even though family life is painful, scapegoats still escape the worst of the wounding.
All members of a narcissistic family have their own separate and equally painful experience. In this difficult environment, siblings become hostile, and rivalry is amped to toxic levels. Narcissistic parents do nothing to adjudicate, soothe or demonstrate good boundaries. Relationships are purely instrumental, transactional and often exploitative, both within the family and outside it. In the narcissist’s world, children are pitted against one another, vying for the parent’s attention.
Sometimes the golden child can become another narcissist.
Indoctrinated into the world-view of the damaged parent, the chosen one absorbs emotional damage alongside the attention. Despite what most scapegoats will tell you, golden children are usually the more severely traumatised in narcissistic families. But the trauma is all on the inside. Because they are “closer” to the parent, golden children are more vulnerable to the unconscious processes that create the intergenerational trauma at the heart of narcissism.
How does this happen?
Usually a narcissistic parent will choose one child (unconsciously or not) to reflect their grandiosity. The roles assigned within narcissistic families are normally both arbitrary and rigid, reflecting the parent’s internal world and serving their needs. Something about the soon-to-be-golden-child is attractive to the narcissistic parent: a vulnerability or a talent, an ability or a quality that makes them a suitable container for the unrealised fantasies of grandeur and perfection nursed by the narcissist.
But this identification is not a gift. It’s a curse. It’s like a tiny crack that allows the penetration of the disease of narcissism.
Of course all infants are vulnerable. But narcissistic parents will generally focus on one child in order to control them. This child will be groomed to meet the parent’s needs and to reflect glory. Whilst all children in a narcissistic family will be used to meet the parent’s needs (rather than the other way around as found in healthy families) the golden child is more intimately connected, and more damaged.
The enmeshment between narcissistic mother and golden child can last a lifetime, with the child rewarded for dependency and compliance well into adulthood. As they develop, their true identity remains suppressed, allowing the narcissistic parent to continue controlling and exploiting them.
As the infant complies with the parent’s narcissism so the infant’s true self is sacrificed, goes into hiding and is protected by a false compliant self. […] the compliance also serves as a means for identification, which in the absence of other emotional nurturance the infant and later the child is reluctant to relinquish.
There is then an underlying conflict involving an anxious struggle between absorption by and abandonment from this malignant identification. The longing to separate and the fear of survival if separation takes place creates a terrible dilemma especially as the child reaches adolescence and tries to leave home.
Fiona Gardner in British Journal of Psychotherapy 21(1), 2004
While the golden child hovers around the narcissistic hearth, unable to exert even a practicing identity, the scapegoat will normally escape the family home early to exert their independence. Although they will retain deep wounds from the toxic parenting they received, scapegoats are normally healthy enough to recognise that their upbringing was faulty and that they need help.
It is easy to see how the scapegoat is harmed in this all-too-common dynamic. To varying degrees, overtly or covertly, she is systematically belittled and shamed, carrying responsibility for the narcissist’s self-hatred, frustrating job, or burnt toast.
It is harder to see the damage done to the golden child. They appear to be above reproach — adored and always excused. But, like the scapegoat, the golden child is merely a pawn in the narcissist family system, an extension of the narcissist with no real identity or personal boundaries of his own.
Julie Hall
Scapegoats are continuously pummelled by ridicule and blame, but in the end they escape the deeper narcissistic wounding of enmeshment. To be co-opted and groomed into the narcissist’s favour is to lose one’s identity and one’s true self.
