LETS TALK ABOUT FORGIVENESS.
Is forgiveness all it's cracked up to be?
NO.
You definitely don't need to forgive your mother to move on and heal yourself. It's not compulsory, nor is it a necessary first or even a final step on your recovery journey.
But it can be helpful.
The main problem with forgiveness is that most people associate it with coercion, perhaps as a leftover from a religious upbringing or deep-seated and fixed ideas about morality. We are often asked (or forced to forgive) before we are ready.
But forgiveness has no meaning if it's inauthentic.
It has to come from a fully grounded commitment to reconnection and a good understanding of our own feelings. In other words, it needs to be sincere.
Putting on the mask of forgiveness will not help your journey. You need to really feel it.
Most people, understandably, have trouble forgiving a narcissistic parent.
I know that being stuck in anger and resentment can be painful. But you can understand and accept someone's limitations, even have empathy for them, without necessarily forgiving them. After all, the impact they had on you was far greater than they can ever understand or acknowledge.
Forgiveness or lack of it, doesn't have to get in the way of having a relationship. You just have to put aside your resentment for the time being.
After a certain amount of time, it might come naturally. To take the next steps in your journey, you may need to let go of your expectations for acknowledgment or validation and accept that your parent will never be the loving nurturer you once longed for.
Deep inside all daughters of narcissistic mothers is a mother wound that can never truly be healed. It can be salved or diminished but it won't ever disappear entirely - unfortunately. We would all love to get the love we missed out on in our childhood, but for adults it can be elusive.
That is why I recommend mothering yourself. Nurturing, loving and supporting yourself while you go through your recovery. If you can't offer yourself unconditional love, then who will?
That doesn't mean that you will become complacent or smug. Real self-love holds realistic understanding, acceptance and compassion for our human faults and frailties. After all, none of us is perfect.
Once you have more compassion for yourself, you may find that you discover compassion for others.
Understanding that your mother was the victim of her own trauma can help. She was, after all trying to survive in the only way she knew how. Of course, that doesn't negate the impact her limitations had on you.
Holding onto your anger and resentment can get you to a certain point. But it can also keep a part of you frozen in the past, reactive rather than responsive.
In the end it is up to you.
Forgiveness is not something that can be forced or faked. It has to come naturally, if it comes at all. Is it necessary for recovery? No. But it can help you feel better about your past and your relationship
