Sometimes, they’re just jerks.
Relying on YouTube for social analysis is like eating ice cream for every meal. At first, it’s fun, but after your third day of Haagen Daas for breakfast, the glamour palls. The YouTubian universe can leave you at the mercy of unexamined and unresearched vitriol — and your own paranoia. Yes, it can be funny, but if you listen to every vlogger on narcissism, you might think there’s no escape or that you can’t take a trip to the shops without being affronted by the predations of a narcissist.
In the interest of creating a more realistic picture of just who might be and who isn’t, I help you sort out the card-carrying narcissists from the everyday jerks.
What is a narcissist really?
(As opposed to someone who’s just annoying.)
Narcissists are hard to argue with. They don’t like it when you disagree. They usually don’t listen and will often talk over the top of you.
They like to perfect their image through preening and social success. They like to hobnob with the rich and famous. The appearance of social success is more important to narcissists than real connection.
They often have shallow emotions and their relationships are generally based on what they can gain from the connection rather than a genuine interest in friendship.
Narcissists don’t like being called out.
They are extremely sensitive to criticism. They will often become disproportionately angry over small things — and the blasts of cold rage emanating from a stymied narcissist are not pretty.
They expect to be treated as special and may become angry if they have to follow “petty” rules. They hate having to be accountable — to anyone.
So what is the difference between a narcissist and someone who is just “difficult”?
Narcissists generally don’t take disagreement well. Someone who is not narcissistic will at least admit to your right to have a different opinion. They will be more open to listening to you, even though they disagree.
Everyone gets angry from time to time, but a narcissist’s anger will be more intense and largely triggered by affronts to their self-image. It can appear to come “out of left field”.
As we all know by now, narcissists are generally not empathic. They won’t allow your feelings any space or understanding. A non-narcissist will generally be able to make some concessions to how you feel. And hopefully, they’ll care. At least a little.
At times we can all be a bit dismissive of other people’s emotions. But a narcissist will generally be more globally dismissive and will often turn the focus back to them. They may even “one up” you and make themselves appear to be the victim. They may (or may try to) leave you thinking that you couldn’t possibly have anything to complain about in comparison to them and that you might actually be in the wrong.
Narcissists can be emotionally manipulative.
They tend not to be authentic in their communication and their relationship with you will be based around their own needs, rather than an acknowledgment of you as a separate and autonomous person.
They often exaggerate or massage the truth to suit themselves. They may be selective in their memory and will try to ensure that their version of reality is the one that dominates.
A non-narcissist will generally be more open and flexible.
They may not agree with you, but will not take it as a personal affront if you see things differently. Their self-esteem is not tied to being right, so they are free to accept the existence of alternative viewpoints.
A non-narcissist will normally be more open to criticism and feedback. They may not like it, but they will at least listen and consider it. They may get upset but will come around eventually because they care about your feelings and respect your opinion.
A narcissist, on the other hand, will stonewall, bluster and generally deflect any kind of intimation that they might not be perfect. They associate imperfection with shame and vulnerability, two things which they will do anything to avoid. Often criticism will be reflected back at you and a cornered narcissist can become filled with rage at your temerity in pointing out even the tiniest of flaws. It becomes easier in the end, just to give in.
Non-narcissists will at least give you an opportunity to speak your piece. They will be a bit clearer and more authentic in their communication. Instead of using a circuitous route to get their own way, they will be more likely to ask directly for what they want. They may complain when they don’t get it, but will generally be open to the idea that you should be given the opportunity to say no, or set limits.
Narcissists have severe problems with both of these things and will expect others to defer to their will — hence their problematic sense of entitlement. They don’t like rules, especially if the rules stop them from getting what they want. So they will do their best to circumvent them. Narcissists will often feel personally affronted by rules and limitations and will let others know that they expect special treatment, because they are, well, special.
For narcissists, limitations are intensely painful reminders of their mortality and imperfections, that they are just like the rest of us ordinary humans. Most people, even annoying ones, will at least be prepared to acknowledge the importance of rules and limitations, even if they don’t like them. Non-narcissists may try to get around rules that they dislike, however they will (in general) not expect to be given carte blanche.
So take care and watch out for all those narcissists.
They breed like rabbits.
