A PRIMER FOR EMPLOYEES
Apr 22 · 6 min read
Why did they do that? What the hell is going on? And other questions that you can bet your narcissistic boss will never answer.
You finally got your dream job. Fantastic. Just one catch. Your boss is a nightmare.
Everyone seems to know it, but no-one’s doing anything about it.
When I was working at a university that shall remain nameless, there were a number of managerial cataclysms. Every 5 years or so (with surprising regularity) there would be a change of dean/VC/PVC and management roles would be spilled as favourites suddenly transmogrified into persona non grata, whilst minions were reshuffled or jettisoned.
As part of the latest university iteration we were given a PVC from hell, otherwise known as Mark (not his real name). Undeniably brilliant, this researcher was also extremely egotistical, single minded and focused purely on his idea of what should happen, regardless of the consequences for others.
I remember a friend saw Mark give a presentation at a conference on spirituality where he lectured about brotherly love, world peace and how we must support one another or perish. What a wonderful, spiritually enlightened being!
At the same time as he was preaching communal connection, Mark was presiding over mass sackings, downgrading of workers’ conditions and moving the university in a direction that served his needs, but no-one else’s, whilst propping up his already over-inflated reputation.
At one stage he held a forum to explain and “consult” with university employees. We all sat in a lecture theatre listening to him outlining his machiavellian plans.
“His definition for the word consultation must be very different to mine,” I whispered to a colleague as Mark opined on the benefits of downsizing.
Although I was personally affected by his self-serving reconfigurations, I was spared the challenge of working directly with Mark. Nevertheless I learnt a few things from my experiences.
We all know a narcissistic boss is hard to work for. He (or she) is demanding, unempathetic, critical and self-absorbed.
Unfortunately for everyone else, narcissists are attracted to positions of power. They enjoy control and are generally not good team players. When they reach the top, they can become unstoppable — and unbearable.
But before you quit your job, try following these tips to make your life with a jerk (or jerkess) more bearable.
In order to survive a narcissistic boss and/or workplace you need to have self-control and self-awareness. But you also need to understand just what makes a narcissist tick. It’s certainly not compulsory to empathise with your horrible boss, but forewarned is forearmed. Looking under the hood to discover just what’s really going on might save you and your colleagues from outbreaks of rage or last minute project dumps.
A narcissistic boss will generally have a hair-trigger. They will often blow-up at the tiniest hiccups or hurdles interrupting their (unstated, but integral) grand plans. They won’t be ready to accept criticism or dissent.
It can be hard to live under a regime where control and micro-management are the modus operandi and if you choose to stay then you will need to accept a certain amount of pain. No-one should have to accept abuse, but the reality is that in some workplaces, the boss is untouchable.
A narcissistic workplace will normally demonstrate the following:
Lack of boundaries — you and your colleagues will be expected to spend every spare moment contributing to the productivity of the organisation. Work-life balance is not something embraced by narcissistic workplaces. Learning to say no politely but firmly will allow you to survive and retain your sanity. Beware the boss who describes her workplace as being like a family. Sexual harassment, dual relationships and intrusive questions about your home life are par for the course in the narcissist’s universe.
Shame dumping and scapegoating — look out for vulnerable colleagues who are going to bear the brunt of the narcissist’s anger. A narcissist does not make mistakes, so a convenient target for shame dumping and blame will always be found. Make sure it’s not you.
The grand vision — just like Mark, your average narcissist-in-power will have her own view of how things need to be. Everything (even productivity and profitability — and most certainly unsuspecting employees) will need to be sacrificed to the overweening grand vision. It’s not logical, it just “is”.
The idealisation of the useful — Narcissists will often promote those who are useful and who will reflect glory onto the boss, rather than those who are skilled and productive. These handmaidens remain central to power and it is wise to treat them politely, no matter what you really think of them.
Shameless exploitation - the narcissist’s sense of entitlement enables them to feel justified in exploiting and discarding subordinates at will. Expect to be coerced and co-opted into sacrificing your personal life and health to the aims of the ambitious narcissist whilst being prepared for alternative employment once your usefulness has expired.
Mood swings — narcissists use the external world to manage their self-esteem. They are extremely shame averse and do not have the stability of an internal sense of worth to retain equilibrium. The higher up they are, the more sheltered they are from shame, but that doesn’t mean you will be spared the fallout from insults to their self-image. Be prepared for moody unpredictability and walking on eggshells.
Envy - Narcissists are constantly plagued by unconscious feelings of inferiority and envy others who embody or display desired qualities. They will often disavow these feelings by showering those they envy with contempt. Narcissists are extremely sensitive to potential power shifts and will act to diminish those they perceive as potential rivals. Watch out for excessive praise or contempt and avoid triggering their envy by appearing too successful.
Admiration seeking- this is a primary form of narcissistic supply and at first glance, the easiest way to get into the narcissist’s good books. But be careful not to bring attention to her weakness. Learning to prop up your boss, while avoiding the appearance of providing support is a complicated dance which must be mastered in order to survive the narcissist’s regime.
From Sandy Hotchkiss: Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
Steps to Managing Your Narcissistic Boss
Know Yourself: In order to be in the narcissist’s game, you need to be in control of your own narcissistic triggers. A narcissistic boss will attempt to use and abuse you. You will need to manage your anger carefully and debrief with someone outside the workplace.
A narcissistic boss will try to surround herself with an image of perfection. Do not be seduced by the illusions pervaded by the narcissist, even though it may be tempting to do so. Getting caught up may lead to becoming the victim of the narcissist’s envy or contempt.
Embrace Reality: A narcissistic workplace may encourage what feels like sibling rivalry for the approval and attention of the narcissistic boss. Try to avoid getting caught up in these intense struggles. Become sensitive to what triggers your boss’s shame and envy.
You may be rewarded for your creative ideas, but remember narcissists do not share power. If you trigger their envy by becoming too successful, you will pay the price.
TIPS:
*Set Boundaries:
*Cultivate Reciprocal Relationships
*Feed her ego with flattery and attention.
*Don’t make the mistake of challenging her superiority.
Be careful not to do anything that offends or challenges the narcissist’s images and illusions. Remember that he or she is not interested in truth, reality or you. If you inadvertently deflate, be prepared to do damage control.
Know the narcissist’s weakness, the fragile self beneath the mask of superiority and power. Become sensitive to what triggers his or her shame and envy. Learn to read the meaning behind the grandiosity, arrogance, need for admiration , entitlement, contempt, and rage. Then treat the narcissist as you would a small vulnerable child — but with twice the respect.
Sandy Hotchkiss: Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
In the narcissistic workplace, employees will generally act out the internal world of the narcissist-in-chief.
Sibling rivalry, competition and backstabbing will be the modus operandi in this difficult environment. Compassion, collaboration and genuine teamwork will be rare. They may pay lip service to healthy collaboration, but underneath the management-speak, teammates will be looking to find a point of weakness in one another. Awareness of these tendencies can help you rise above them. You won’t be able to single-handedly change the culture, but you might be able to make it a little bit better.
Or just survive long enough to find another job.
