Why Shame Matters in Narcissistic Mothering
It’s not very fashionable.
It’s something we don’t feel comfortable talking about — and we often don’t recognise it. Most of us don’t even want to admit to experiencing it.
It can make us feel powerless, isolated and alone.
The affects associated with shame can flood our bodies with powerful chemicals. We want to run and hide.
In “Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame,” social worker and psychotherapist Patricia DeYoung argues that shame often lies at the heart of mental illness. It’s mostly unavailable to conscious thought and to words. We often don’t know or understand our shame experiences.
Shame just is and we are in it — alone and helpless.
Being ashamed can itself be shameful.
What Shame Is and Why It Matters
Shame is one of our first social emotions.
It can be a tool for moulding behaviour and bringing us back into social norms — but it can also isolate, silence and stigmatise.
Why Shame Is Central for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Because narcissists are full of shame, they inevitably project it outward. If they have a bad day at work, they take it out on their spouse. If they miss a promotion, lose their keys, get beaten in a tennis match or make a mistake, they feel shamed. They will then try to get rid of these painful feelings by pushing them outward.
If they are slighted, receive negative feedback, criticised or limited in any way, they feel shame — and then all hell breaks loose.
When faced with shame, narcissistic mothers will bluster, criticise, bully and blast anyone nearby, desperately trying to shield their fragile ego from reliving their own traumatic shame.
The narcissist’s children are especially vulnerable to these fallouts.
Chronic Shame in Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
A narcissistic mother will put her own shame into her children through projection, eye contact and facial expressions (e.g. disgust), leaving a lifelong legacy of chronic shame. She makes her daughter feel bad for having needs, or simply for existing.
How Shame Forms in Narcissistic Families
Shame in narcissistic families develops through the everyday relational patterns children are exposed to. Because the narcissistic parent feels chronically inadequate, their own shame is continually pushed outward. Small mistakes, normal developmental needs, or moments of separation in the child can trigger the parent’s internal sense of defectiveness. Rather than processing these feelings, they displace them onto the child.
This happens subtly and repeatedly. A particular look, a shift in tone, a withdrawal of warmth, or a sudden surge of criticism becomes the child’s evidence that something is wrong with them. These micro-exchanges accumulate and form the basis of chronic shame. Young children do not have the psychological capacity to recognise that the parent is protecting themselves. Instead, they internalise the message that they are the problem.
In these conditions, attachment becomes fused with fear and self-surveillance. The child learns to anticipate the parent’s shifts and mould themselves to prevent further shaming attacks. Over time, this shapes an internal world organised around self-blame, vigilance, and the management of the parent’s emotional instability. The result is not just an occasional feeling of shame but a pervasive, organising experience that infiltrates identity, self-worth, and adult relational patterns.
Narcissistic mothers also use shame as a parenting strategy without offering soothing or repair. The strong emotions are too much for a young child to manage. Dissociation and other coping mechanisms often develop.
In narcissistic family systems, intrusive, overwhelming feelings are split off from conscious thought and remain underneath — because that is the only way to survive. These unintegrated feelings then flavour our relationship with ourselves, with others, and with ordinary social interactions.
If shame is shaping your relationships, self-worth or emotional life, you may find it helpful to work gently through these layers at your own pace.
My Self-Compassion eBook Bundle was created for daughters of narcissistic mothers who carry chronic shame without always realising it. It offers practical guidance, reflective exercises and trauma-informed support.
The Legacy of Shame Across a Lifetime
Growing up with a history of being shamed by a narcissistic parent can leave a crippling sense of worthlessness that underlies most feelings about the self.
Because we are often unaware of its presence, it unwittingly shapes how we respond, cope, attach, and protect ourselves.
We need to learn to handle everyday hurts and disappointments in order to have relationships that last. This cannot happen if shame instantly triggers buried, unintegrated feelings from childhood.
Shame is rarely talked about — even among mental health professionals.
As DeYoung notes:
“For three decades I have been asking clients what brings them to psychotherapy, and not one of them has said, ‘I need help with my chronic shame’… It can be deeply shaming just to admit to feeling shame.”
Naming shame is a major milestone.
Understanding where it came from takes longer.
Chronic shame originates in relational trauma.
It is not something we can cure or control — but awareness can help.
Forming an attuned, non-shaming, non-judgemental therapeutic relationship can help us live with more joy and freedom, even alongside imperfect histories.
If you’re working through shame, self-criticism or a harsh inner voice, the Self-Compassion eBook Bundle offers structured support grounded in trauma theory and attachment research. It’s designed to help daughters of narcissistic mothers soften shame, build emotional resilience and recover a sense of inner safety.
View the Self-Compassion eBook Bundle
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