Going No Contact: Breaking Up with Your Narcissistic Mother
Its a watershed moment.
The choice to stop contact with your narcissistic mother is not something to take lightly.
There are a lot of factors to consider, including the rest of your family, your own children and your siblings.
Unfortunately, when you go no-contact, your narcissistic mother may consider herself the victim and co-opt other family members to try to coax you back into the fold. In the rush to create righteous indignation, there will be very little reflection on what might have prompted you to make this choice in the first place.
Often narcissistic mothers will make sure their side of the story is the dominant narrative in the family. Your siblings, grandparents, cousins and Aunty Clare will hear all about how cruel and arbitrary you are. How you have wilfully and irrationally broken your mother’s heart. Of course, for her to be the innocent victim, you must be the persecutor. There are absolutely no grey areas in the narcissist’s world - that’s a big part of the problem.
For some daughters, there are important cultural and social barriers to going no contact. After all, no-one really wants to hear that any family is that toxic. We’re all at least partially invested in the fairy tale of happy families and loving mothers. That’s why its so hard for daughters to talk about their narcissistic mother. And telling your truth in a group discussion about family life will often inspire shock, disbelief, and at some level, disapproval.
MORE ABOUT NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS FROM THE BLOG
In a recent Mammamia article, a young woman speaks about her experience of going no-contact:
‘It’s the symptom of having to grieve in secret because society struggles to understand or accept going no contact.
"But she’s your mother."
"You only get one dad."
"You’ll regret it one day."
These words are like molten lava on an open wound, compounding the isolation I feel. If my parents had been tragically killed in a car crash, people would rally round. My grief is tangible, acceptable, expected – out there in the open.
I have cut off my parents, so my grief isn’t valid it seems. It’s often judged because society reveres the mother. Pedestals the father.”
From 'Six months ago, I cut both my parents out of my life. It’s like grief on steroids.'
Anonymous, MamaMia March 25, 2023
In certain cultures, of course, leaving a narcissistic family is much further beyond the pale. Going no-contact can lead to ostracism, loss of networks and expulsion from religious and social groups. Its so much harder to leave your entire culture behind, even to escape severe abuse. Sometimes the price of freedom is not just loneliness or loss of identity, but physical safety.
When going no-contact, the odds are that you will be leaving (and losing) more than just your narcissistic mother.
Siblings often have their own reasons for staying enmeshed. Sometimes a parent will “bribe” their children with money, favours and support to keep them aligned.
But the price of enmeshment for these damaged children is high. Blinded by the rewards of staying in the nest, some siblings never get the opportunity to develop their own autonomy. They may even become narcissists themselves. And that’s usually the way the narcissistic mother likes it, until she gets tired of doing their laundry, or they make the mistake of wanting something different.
In many cases, your siblings may take revenge on you for embodying the truth. Pushback is inevitable for those brave enough to leave. Being reminded of the sickness at the heart of their family brings unwilling memories of trauma to those still enjoying their brief time in the narcissist’s sun.
In her book, “You’re not crazy — It’s your mother,” Danu Morrigan describes the three layers of narcissistic abuse.
1. The first layer is your mother’s (or father’s) abuse.
2. The second layer is their denial of the abuse and invalidation of your experiences.
3. The third layer is society’s denial of the abuse, and invalidation of your experiences.”’
“Loving my children unconditionally made the conditional nature of my mother’s love obvious. I wasn’t going to inflict my parents on my children. After trying everything else first, including moving 100 miles away to limit contact, I finally cut them off last year.
It truly felt like they had died. But there was no funeral, no stories shared, no collective grief to hold me up me through the unexpected sea of guttural pain. There were no social media tributes, texts from loved ones or time off.”
Anonymous from Mammamia
Post your decision, loneliness, regret and self-blame will live alongside the newfound freedom you experience once you say goodbye to your narcissistic mother.
Don’t expect validation from those around you, including siblings, workmates and friends.
Stick with those who understand, be kind to yourself and maintain boundaries around your experience and your emotions. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and you certainly don’t owe them a gossipy anecdote for their lunch break or their dinner tables.