7 Stages of Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
Healing from the Pain of a One-Way Relationship
Recovery is not a linear pathway. For any of us. You’ll take steps forward and back, question and blame yourself. You might even fall flat on your face. Remember, you have been undermined and invalidated in your closest relationships. You are probably used to being white anted. You might even white ant yourself with prevarication and rumination. No-one deserves abuse. And everyone deserves to find acknowledgment and true intimacy in relationships.
SHOCK & DENIAL
“The person I love is not a narcissist. Underneath those little flaws they really do love me. If I just try a little harder maybe they will give me the love and attention I deserve…”
At first you will be very reluctant to admit to yourself that your partner is a narcissist. After all, you have been together for a while. They’re very affectionate, at least they were, in the beginning. But of course now things are a bit different because, well, they’re busy. They try hard. It’s not their fault if they can’t keep the romance going. All relationships have bumps and tough patches. That’s normal. They’re not perfect, and neither are you. But those niggling doubts still linger.
PAIN & GUILT
As you come to recognise and understand the traits of narcissism in your partner you will blame yourself for getting involved with someone so duplicitous and manipulative. You will feel the pain of having spent so much of your energy trying to make a relationship with a narcissist work. You have constantly conceded to their ideas, needs and desires. You have given up so much to stay with them.
“Did I really did miss those red flags? How could I have been so stupid? I was always trying to please them. I’ve wasted so much emotion, love and time on someone who doesn’t really care about me. Maybe I’ll never get what I want from this person. I just wanted to believe the best of them. I feel guilty and ashamed that I let myself be seduced and put up with so much crap.”
ANGER & BARGAINING
“I’m angry that my partner has mislead, manipulated and seduced me. But if I just try a little harder, maybe they will change. If I keep sacrificing my own needs for theirs, I will get the love I deserve.”
As you go further on your journey, you will get angry. That is healthy. But you may also find yourself slipping back into hope and trying to get the narcissist to change. Remember, narcissists do not change unless there is something in it for them, or they reach a crisis point. You will waste a lot of energy waiting for them to understand your point of view. Narcissists have very limited ability to empathise and will turn things around so that the conversation becomes about them. They may even turn it so far that they make themselves look like the victim.
DEPRESSION, REFLECTION & LONELINESS
“I have been honest, loving and compassionate. And I have been betrayed. I feel like will never find the right person for me. I thought I loved my partner and they exploited my vulnerability. They have left me feeling empty. I realise now that they never loved me. I feel betrayed. I am having trouble trusting people. Will I ever find someone who cares about me? What if I get involved in yet another toxic relationship?”
The journey to healing involves not just reckoning with and understanding your partner’s limitations, but also the challenge of processing difficult emotions. Therapy can help you grow and learn. It will allow you to integrate your trauma, slowly and effectively. This is one of the most important stages and I recommend that you do not go through this alone.
THE UPWARD TURN
“There is hope. I have friends who care and they have been there for me through this process of realisation. There are people out there who are not just in it for themselves. I am worthy of being loved and I will gather people around me who truly care.”
Once you have freed yourself and have come to accept the reality of your partner’s narcissism, you will start to feel better. You may even get to the stage where you are able to consider dating again. Optimism returns when you realise that not everyone is like your ex. Cleaning your relationship house will help you feel more optimistic about relationships. Divest yourself of people and relationships where you are not considered or understood. Jettison the users, freeloaders, energy vampires, and invalidators. Gather those people who truly care and are willing to invest in reciprocal relationships.
RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
“In order to mend my heart and take the risk of relating again, I need to let go. I must reflect on my own vulnerability and willingness to collude with the narcissist. I am an autonomous being and take responsibility for my actions, but I do not let the narcissist off the hook.”
Accept that you could never have changed the narcissist and that you are not responsible for their behaviour or their emotional bankruptcy. Although it is not your fault, you may want to consider how you were entrapped and why you put up with the abuse. Are you more vulnerable to the predations of narcissists? Was there a narcissist in your family of origin? Has your sense of self been damaged?
ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
“Yes, I made a mistake. Everyone has their moments. Perhaps I can rebuild and learn to trust again. Perhaps I can have reciprocal relationships where I am valued and cherished. I will develop skills in communication and assertiveness and improve my self-awareness so that I will not negate myself again.”
Develop the skills needed to protect yourself. Become self-aware so that you understand your own needs and desires. Self-compassion and creativity can help you reflect and become stronger.
The journey can be long and arduous. Failure and repair is part of the process. But if you’re lucky, you’ll keep stumbling along in the right direction, towards self-awareness, self-compassion and true healing. Getting back in touch with your authentic self is the final stage of post-traumatic growth.
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